07 April 2008

Depression Or Debilitation

Why are these my only options?

Who said I couldn’t be more than a shadow, it’s a very cruel joke. And I think I’m starting to get it, maybe to chuckle. The punch line is real hidden so bear with me:
The last medication I got on worked great, my clarity went up, my energy went up -- I could continue through my day while keeping my patience and my confidence intact. But about a month and a half into it, these severe waving migraine pains started in, and even with small reprieves it stopped me cold. This is a not common side effect of the medication I started, but for those that do get it they don't go away and there really isn't any choice but to stop this med, wait till it’s out of my system then try another.... Again. So choiceless, I went off the best advantage to my functionality to date because it caused me pain, and you know there was still a moment of pause where I wonder if debilitation was better than depression. Because I like functioning, it seems like such a little thing to want, and I feel so validated when I do.
The ratio of meds in my system and pain in my head seems consistently proportional. Now, it's a mild throb, no more than remnant, and I can feel the depression seeping back in its place.
And that what has me ready to scream, out of frustration, out of surrender, out of lost patience, confidence, energy... I’ve already cried, already planned my drop out, into whatever vise presents itself first. The number question when starting with a new therapist is have you ever tried or thought about killing yourself. Since I was 11 my standard answer to them and to myself has been no, that only because I know I have to answer the question do I ever give it thought
But you know what. I realized it’s a lie. I do think about it, when I’m too tired to keep any of it up, when I think about my status as a burden, when I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point where I’m a contrition, when I become so disgusted with myself because I can’t get out of bed, not so much killing, as allowing myself to be pulled in a direction. But damn it I’m here, I don't want to pause my life anymore for something in my head.
And it is in my head. That’s the joke, the biggest vat of chemicals controls the our very essence, how we think, what we see from the most subjective to the most literal, is being fucked with and there’s nothing we can do, except sit back and be case studies.
There's no denying it, that is where the problem is, completely within my head, mind, brain. Valid, real, and out of my control problem in my brain. And even I don’t know why I can’t just get over it; let it stop being a weight on me.
I want to be able to push through it, I want people to understand just how much I do that already and give me a cookie for it.
I want to have control over my energy, my perception; I want so little, something so simple. I've already compromised so much, and I still can't have it.

I want to function, to be at least a semi productive member of society, maybe just a bit part. I want more than to merely exist. And I’m not sure I can have that.